you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
