I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
