Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
