Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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