she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
