So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
