My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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