You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
