im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
