I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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