Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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