To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
