when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
