Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
im six kinds of drunk right now
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too high and old for this...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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