I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
