The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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