Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
