I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
