How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
