So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
