Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
