Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
