i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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