i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
