Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So much rum. So many feels.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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