I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
