he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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