Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
