I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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