Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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