if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
