If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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