help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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