You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
