john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
