You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
