omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
