ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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