if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
