Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
