So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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