burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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