And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
