So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
