so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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