what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
where are my eyebrows?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
