I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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