My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
