who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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