I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
