Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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