you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
