That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
